Stupends! The Bellissim Story of Cappuccett Red.

Ever wondered what the story of Little Red Riding Hood would look like in broken English? One of my students kindly obliged, writing this Maccheronico version of the famous Brothers Grimm tale. It’s a veriment’ work of art.

One Mattin her mamma dissed: ‘Dear Cappuccett, take this cest to the nonn, but attention to the lup that is very ma very kattiv! And torn prest! Good luck! And bocc at the lup!.’ Cappuccett didn’t capish very well this ultimo thing but went away, da sol, with the cest. Cammining cammining, in the cuor of the forest, at acert punt she incontered the lup, who dissed: ‘Hi! Piccula piezz’e girl! ‘Ndove do you go?’ ‘To the nonn with this cest, which is little but is full of sacc of chocolate and biscots and panettons and more and mirtills’, she dissed. ‘Ah, mannagg ‘a Maruschella (maybe an expression com: what a cul that had) dissed the lup, with a fium of saliv out of the bocc. And so the lup dissed: ‘Beh, now I dev andar because the telephone is squalling, sorry.’ And the lup went away, but not very away, but to the nonn’s house. Cappuccett Red, who was very ma very lent, lent un casin, continued for her sentir in the forest. The lup arrived at the house, suoned the campanel, entered and after saluting the nonn, manged her in the boccon. Then, after sputting the dentier, he indossed the ridicol night beret and fikked himself in the let. When Cappuccett Red came to the fint nonn’s house, suoned and enetered, but when the little and stupid girl saw the nonn (non was not nonn, but the lup, ricord?) dissed: ‘But nonn, why do you stay in let?’, and the nonn-lup: ‘Oh, I’ve stort my cavigl doing aerobics!’. ‘Oh, poor nonn!’, said Cappuccett (she was more than stupid, I think, wasn’t she?), then she bissed: ‘But….what big okks you have! Do you bisogn some collir?’, ‘Oh no! It’s for see you better, my dear (stupid) little girl.’ Dissed the nonn-lup. Then Cappuccett, who was more dur than block of marm: ‘But what big oreks you have! Do you have the Orekkions?’. And the nonn-lup: ‘Oh no! It is to ascolt you better.’ And Cappuccett dissed (that I think now really rincoglionited) said: ‘But what big dents you have!’. And the lup, at thins point dissed: ‘It is to magn you better!’. And magned really tutt quant the poor little girl. But (tad ah!) out of the house a simpatico, curious and innocent cacciatore of frod sented all and dissed: ‘Accident! A lup! Its pellicc vals a sac of solds’. And so, spinted only for the compassion for the little girl, butted a terr many kils of voips, fringuells and conigls that he had ammazzed till that moment, iombracced the fucil, entered in the stanz and killed the lup. Then squarced his panz (being attent not to rovin the pellicc) and tired for a the nonn (still viv) and Cappuccett (still rincoglionited). And so, at the end, the cacciatore of frod vended the pellicc and guadagned honestly a sacc of solds. The nonn magned tutt the leccornies that were in the cest. And so everybody lived felix and content (maybe not the lup!).

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